Thursday, November 3, 2011

Skin Tags

As I approach the age of sixty, it occurs to me that I miss some things. Some things I am happy to have behind me. I am happy to have gone through menopause. I am happy to be free of the intense responsibility of child rearing. I am happy to choose whether or not to decorate for the holidays. I am happy to have the choice to sit here in front of my computer and write at midnight.

What do I miss? I miss hot steamy sex. It may sound like a wonderful idea to have sex with my husband. I like the prelude to the act. The suggestion and the flirting and the kissing and the hugging. Foreplay, if you will. But I suppose I miss the raging hormones that drive you insane with the absolute need for satisfaction.

Do not misunderstand, I would never want to be a teen again. But a good dose of teen hormones every now and again would be quite refreshing. I don't know if my joints could do justice to some of the positions I tried out in my younger years ......... You see the ads for erectile dysfunction, but I have never seen a set of tubs on the shore of a lake. Are they suggesting that the couple copulate in one of the tubs. With or without water?

Either scenario has problems. Without the water to displace the weight on that hard porcelain surface, somebody will sustain injuries. Really. I am not as small or flexible as I used to be. All that thrashing about could result in a broken hip. While water would add cushion and buoyancy, there would be a whole new set of problems to overcome. You would need a lubricant that was not water soluble, for sure.

What happened to my skin? Age spots and wrinkles seem to have taken over. My leg skin looks like crepe paper and suddenly I have pubic hair behind my knees. Must be where all my pubic hair in the pubic region has disappeared to. Moles and bumpy little skin tags plague my torso and  neck.


  1. Kathy--You had me at "Walmart...the Devil's cousin." I could tell you about my perpetual pencil sharpener, which is my plot to bankrupt Walmart, but then I would have to do something horrendous and something permanent to you.

    I thought I was the only one with skin tags that appeared after a certain age. What's up with those?

    I love the pubic hair behind your knee. Aaah, the fun of getting old.

  2. Good God, you had me in stitches! OK, if we must disclose, I got pubic hair in my ears! I am male BTW and happily married, 62 and retired. I knoweth from whence thou writeth! You are entertaining as hell, don't listen to your husband. Yeah it's racy stuff but, shit, we old enough to handle it, I think, and if we get much older we may not really know what the hell we are talking about.

    I have wondered about those tubs as well. First of all the couple looks like they are in the 39 to 42 year old bracket. What the hell do they need Cialis for? Second of all if he is up and raging what the hell are they doing in the separate tubs? I know of no position that will accommodate that degree of separation. I have been doing this for 36 years, never in tubs though. Its like the theory that Viagra teaches you how to dance. BTW, did you hear that they have Viagra for women? Men take it, and it improves the blood flow to their ears.

    As far as good hot steamy sex goes, I think my wife and I are still pretty good, not bad for a pair of oldies, I always tell her, unless I get my mix all talked up, then I have been known to say not old for a pair of baddies. Not olympians by any means. We removed the chandelier and the full wall mirrors. Aesthetics. At some point you have to start using positions approved by the Arthritus Foundation and AARP, but still, all in all there is nothing quite like a good roll in the hay. Empty nest means a whole afternoon of sack time, retirement means I don't have to take a vacation day. I have to admit sometimes during the big mOment, I have to wonder, whoa baby is the ticker still going to function on the other side of this event. Oh well go out with a bang as they say. Ahhh but like a good old Timex it takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Must be the fish oil.

    Like most people on the threshold of the golden years, we like our naps after exercise. There is nothing quite like a how shall I say this hmmmmm, we have our terminology but well it ours, ahhhh connected yes that will do. There is nothing like a connected nap. The scissors works the best, and I reach up and hang on to a convenient appurtence, just in case there is an earthquake. Drift off to sleep together and wake up completely refreshed and ready for round two. Well it may not have the raw athleticism of years ago but it also don't have the BS. Birth control, kids busting through the doors, the overall performance angst of the younger years, anything less than stellar three O performance was a huge disappointment and the heavens shook in despair. Now sometimes when things go awry we take a naked nap and try again in an hour, the winds of fate will usually favor us. If not there is always tomorrow. To be honest yeah, I miss the hormones, I miss the pile driving action, and that lovely musky fragrance of a sensational session. It is still there, but diminished. And yet the love making is so much better...relaxed, friendly, fun and quite Holy. I think of it as a Sacrament.

    Skin tags, moles, age spots--who cares they don't hurt.